Comments on: New Short Story: Donkeys

By: Mayor

Mayor — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 00:25:03 +0000

That last paragraph has a great final note, but it’s a little muddled in the middle which takes away from its power (chef throwing gnocchi part seems a little cut up). I likey. If you want my notes I can scan em and send.

By: Mayor

Mayor — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 23:59:51 +0000

when reading the first interaction with izzie, i feel liek there are a lot of blanks – this is the first time we’ve ever spoken – why? notices doesnt wear much make up – how does this affect him? thong popping up – more! warm hand – what’s his like? I feel like this moment is magical for raymond, exhilirating, a moment outside the kitchen in the interaction and i feel like it begs to be drawn out.

By: Mayor

Mayor — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 23:53:24 +0000

like ‘Dude that’s the fuckin’ tits!’ or ‘holy moly, that was slauncha!’ it doenst have to be in exclamations, those are just the first that came to mind lol

By: Mayor

Mayor — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 23:52:28 +0000

Another thing – I don’t hear enough Boston in the conversation. You’ve lived there, you know what I mean – the accent, the language – I feel like the delivery guys/UPS guy need more Boston in them.

By: Mayor

Mayor — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 23:19:39 +0000

I’m going to have to disagree with the retarded out take – I only just reached that point in the story (yeah, just cracked it open) but I felt that was the first moment when I had a glimpse into the character’s mind/first time I really heard his voice. I feel like I should be hearing this story (at this point) but it’s still a little too much like reading prose – do you know what I mean? While reading what I have so far, I feel like I am walking in a desert of this person’s mind and all I hear is the voice of that guy from masterpiece theater reading this kid’s story to me – all the while he’s in a chaotic kitchen, he lives in boston, he’s a recent graduate not cashing in on his BA wants to live – maybe it comes, but I want more at the beginning, I want a draw, I want some foreshadowing and tidbits and appetizers that really get me thirsty/hungry for the next plate, the next course (am I going to far with this parallel .

I do like the contrast, in a way, of being inside what feels like calm mind in the middle of mayhem (any of us who has worked in a kitchen knows what its like) and there is a certain zen you get into while cooking (like the tediousness of chopping peppers) but I don’t hear a definitive voice yet and I’m 4 pages deep (printed it out, these lcd screens are gonna make me blind). That is my first comment on a yet unfinished read, but I felt I had to address the retarded issue – yeah, we don’t like the word, it’s not PC, it’s gauche, its inappropriate, etc etc – but, it’s an accurate word choice for a recent grad in boston to use – ‘dude, that’s wicked fuckin’ retaaaaaaahdid’ – sure, our prep cook is educated in the English language – but who thinks/talks how we are supposed to write? I just feel this story wants to be heard aloud, but it has yet to turn my eyes into ears, and maybe our narrator has to get a little retarded to make that happen.

Love it so far, by the way, hope my voice comments arent seen as retarded -excuse me, I meant prematurely developed – Boston seafood restaurant, etc etc – and Kitchen Confidential is a must watch, especially if you’ve worked in the industry, Raymond…ahem, I mean Roman

By: Roman

Roman — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 01:55:36 +0000

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, Jenne. I think you are right about retarded. I’ve changed it to stupid. And good call on the other typo.

By: jenne knight

jenne knight — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 23:48:30 +0000

Roman: wonderful story! I don’t know if you ever watched the short-lived sitcom Kitchen Confidential a few years back, but your story delightfully reminded me of that show. It’s funny to see how guys act when there are no women around.

Now, I know I’m no prose writer, but I thought I would mention a couple of things.

1. The use of the word “retarded” at the beginning of the story didn’t seem to really blend with the voice of Raymond. He says it once, and it could be that I really hate that word, but it caught my attention.

2. “breathes” is spelled “breaths” where you say “he breaths through his nose heavily…”

Overall, great story. Thanks for letting me read it!